Are You Really That Ornery, Or Is That Just A Habit?

Sometimes, Franki will get this look on her face and she’ll act out as if she’s really mad about something.  She would convince any movie director out there that she’s really mad.  But she’s not.  She’s playing a role; she’s acting it out, but she’s not feeling it; it’s a pretend game to her.

 How often do you pretend to be feeling something you’re not?  How often do you mask how you feel just because you think it’s inappropriate or wrong in some way?  And how often do you just respond as you always do, feeling like you always do, just because it’s what you do; it’s become a habit. 

Your girlfriend doesn’t call you, so you get mad.  You feel disrespected every time your spouse leaves the toilet seat up.  You feel irritated when your kid doesn’t clean up her room.  You feel judged whenever your mom speaks to you in that tone of voice.  You feel misunderstood because your dad still doesn’t understand you.  You feel overwhelmed as the emails in your inbox keep coming.  You feel powerless when you think the government isn’t doing its job the way you think it should.  You feel irritated because your significant other leaves her shoes in your way every single time.  You feel annoyed at the incompetent waiter because your eggs are served over-easy instead of hard-boiled.  It’s Monday, so you feel slightly depressed.  There’s traffic, so you feel vexed.  It’s raining, you feel blah.  You feel irate every time your dog barks at the moon.  You feel jealous when you see dude down the street driving yet another new car.  You feel insecure or inferior when you think she’s got something you want that you perceive you don’t have.  You feel injustice when you think about the cost of things you want to buy.    You feel lack when you spend money.  You feel pissed every time some bloke cuts you off in traffic.  You feel peeved every morning when you arrive at Starbucks for your cup o' joe and there's a long line.  You feel ornery when you think about what needs to get done.  You feel guilty because you’re working instead of being with your kid.  You feel resentment because your mama never loved you.  You hate going to work, because you don’t think you should have to work.  You feel unworthy because you’re not working.  You feel blame when your husband, wife, kid, employee, boss, neighbor, fella on the bus, or lady next to you does something you don’t like.  You feel ornery because you think there should be laws against that.  You feel frustrated every time your computer bungs up and slows down.  You just get downright cranky when your newspaper isn't where you last left it.  You feel all hot and bothered when someone has an opinion about what you're doing. 

Do any of these sound familiar?  Are there subjects, or conditions, or circumstances where you respond habitually? 

 

How many times in a day, a week, a month, a year, do you respond the way you do just because it’s familiar and it’s what you do?  And for how many days, weeks, months or years are you going to just keep doing it because you always have? 

I believe that most of our responses to life are habits; habits of thought, habits of vibration; habits.  We do what’s familiar, we do what we know, and we do what we’ve always done just because that’s what we do.  We don’t stop to feel what we’re feeling in the moment and often don’t entertain the idea that we could respond differently and therefore have different feeling responses. 

Pay attention to your responses over the next few days.  Notice if some of those responses are familiar to you.  Are you quite accustomed to this response and how it feels? Would you like to feel differently, or do you like feeling the way you do as you respond to this person, this thing, this condition?   

You are constantly evolving and nothing need be as it always has been just because that’s the way it’s been.  You can always make a different decision about how you want to feel and how you want to respond; and it begins now.  It begins now with the desire to do so, and it begins now by setting the energy in motion.  You can begin by thinking about how you would prefer to feel in said scenario, and take some time to imagine yourself feeling and being that way.  If you want to feel differently, you can’t keep blundering into the situation as it’s playing itself out and try to feel differently.  That’s usually too late, you’re too caught up in the moment.   Use your mind and connect with how you want to feel now, and pave the way in advance before you get caught up in the momentum of the moment. 

Habits of thought are not hard to break, but there are elements in the equation that assist in forming new habits: 

 

1)  The desire to feel good

2) Focus

3) Paying attention to how you feel

4) Connecting to how you would prefer to feel in advance of the scenario playing itself out

5)Practicing the new habit until it becomes the familiar one

 

We all have habits of feeling as we respond to our lives.  Decide today that you do have a choice and decide whether or not your familiar ways of responding are how you want to continue to respond.  You can find yourself transforming your approach to life by making that decision today. 

Who Do You Be Loyal To?

 

A while back I was highly encouraged to end my relationship with a long-time friend.  The person making the request gave me long lists of why this request was reasonable and that my cessation of the relationship would make life a whole lot easier for them.  While I’m all about helping people out, I’m not about dishonoring myself for the sake of someone else’s feelings or convenience, whoever they are. 

In this case though, I did.  I did something that felt awful and just plain wrong to me, to make someone else happy.  I contacted the person I was ending the relationship with and took full responsibility for my choice, being mindful not to blame anyone, especially the person who had made the original request to cut off all contact. 

 In the process of trying to do the “right” thing for another, I did the wrong thing for myself. 

It bothered me.  It lingered.  Something was off to me. 

There’s nothing I can do to fix what went on between these two people.  There’s nothing about it that has anything to do with me. 

While the socially acceptable response is to do what someone else asks of you if you love and care for them, what happens if you’re not being true to yourself in the process?  Who do you please?  Who do you honor?  Who do you be loyal to? 

 I felt pinned between someone that I care for making a request of me and honoring my relationship with myself. 

 So I considered who I am, what I teach and what I stand for.  What message am I implying to Franki as I do something that opposes the very core of me?  I considered what I would say to Franki if she came to me and someone was making a request of her that she didn’t feel right about.  Would I encourage Franki to do what I did?  No….I wouldn’t.  I would encourage her to follow her own heart, to be true to what her guidance is telling her, to be true to herself and what feels best to her.  I would remind her that others get to make requests of her that seem reasonable and sound to them and others get to choose how they want to feel; and that within that, it’s not her requirement to fulfill any obligation if implied.  Rather, it’s up to her to tune in to what she knows to be true for herself, and then do what feels best to her.  I would tell her that following her own guidance is more important than trying to please another for in acquiescing to other’s requests just to keep the peace or to make them happy, she would not be benefitting anyone.  In the process of doing that, she would be training them away from their own guidance supporting the false belief that others must behave in a certain way so that they can feel good.  That only lays ground for resentment and blame toward the people making the requests, as she did something that didn’t feel right to her.  It’s not her job to sort out how other people feel or how they respond, her only job and her only responsibility is to sort that out for herself. 

In her selfishness, she serves others.  In her selfishness she benefits others.  In her selfishness she stands in her alignment with self and when she’s aligned with self, she stands as a beacon to others.

And so, I followed the guidance that I would share with Franki.  I’m in touch with the person whom I was asked not to be in touch with, not frequently, but in a way that feels true to me.  Not to be disrespectful, and not to be disloyal in any way to the other, but rather, to be loyal to who I am and what feels right to me. 

 

I love people, I don’t reject them.  I stand for personal alignment over pleasing another.  I stand for self-empowerment even if, or even though, it may not be the most popular choice and if I did anything other than that, I would be going against everything I stand for. 

I Believe That Generally Speaking, Parents Have it Backwards

I believe that generally speaking, parents have it backwards. 

I believe that our children don’t belong to us.  We are just a means for their arrival.

I believe that children are here to guide us, and not the other way around.

I believe that we can learn more from our children by observing them than they can from us “teaching” them.

I believe all children are born with their own guidance.

I believe that the less parents interfere with that guidance, the happier the child is.

I believe that most parents interfere and train their children away from their own guidance.

I believe that children know they’re born free and when they feel not-free, they will display some type of “bad” behavior as perceived by those around them.

I believe that all behavior that is labeled as “bad” is simply an outburst of feeling disconnected.

I believe that we all have temper tantrums; the only difference being that children haven’t learned to contain them…just yet.

I believe that children know they’re supposed to have what they want.

I believe that children do their best not to believe the bullshit stories based on false premises that most adults around them offer up.

I believe that children know that life is supposed to be good for them.

I believe that children are born feeling worthy and good and appropriate.

I believe that a child’s sense of worthiness is whittled away as those around them tell them they’re inappropriate. 

I believe that it’s the parent’s responsibility to feel better and not the child’s responsibility to modify his behavior so that the parent can feel better. 

I believe that parents try to exercise control over their children rather than manage their own frequency.

I believe that children are naturally joyful, unless what they observe around them trains them away from that.

I believe that children are born knowing who-they-really-are and they’re here to remind us of who we are.

I believe that children mimick the behavior and the vibration of those around them.

I believe that children establish habits of vibration (habits of thought) early-on in life and as adults we keep regurgitating them as truths.

I believe that children pick up the vibrational habits of those around them and take them on as their own.

I believe that children are not meant to be restrained.

I believe that every choice a child makes on his own is empowering to the child.

I believe that children thrive when parents trust them – trust their judgment; trust their knowing.

I believe that anything a parent can do to encourage the child’s knowing is of benefit.

I believe that when a parent doesn’t trust his child, it sets the child up to prove something. 

I believe that parents are lazy with their focus and expect their children to change their behavior so that they can keep being lazy with their focus.

I believe that if a parent is affected by their child’s behavior, it’s an opportunity to do some self-reflection and not discipline or control the child more. 

I believe that children are repelled by the vibration of worry.

I believe that children will create the contrast they require for their own expansion.

I believe that children know what’s best for them and parents would do well to just mind their our own business.

I believe that children modify their behavior to please their parents.

I believe that children are born knowing all of this, and choose to come forth anyway.

I believe that children know parents have it backwards.

 

I Believe

I recently enrolled in a Women’s Thought Leadership Society, led by KC Baker, where we’ll be exploring our message and our voices for the next six weeks.  This week’s homework assignment is about exploring what we believe in and what we stand for and why we feel compelled to use our voices.  While the assignment requires us to whittle down what we believe to four or five key points relative to our work, I came up with so many things that I stand for and believe in, that I thought I’d share them with you. 

I stand for Freedom

Freedom to create the life you want,

To follow your guidance,

To trust yourself.

I stand for YOU

Coming into awareness of your guidance and that you always know what’s best for you.

I stand for Self- Empowerment

And having you know that you’re the creator of your reality.

I believe that the biggest chains that bind me, are my own.

I believe that how I feel affects everything.  Change how I feel and my world changes.

I believe that I am the center of my Universe.

I believe that the world around me reflects how I feel.

I believe that if I change my story, I change my life.

I believe that the stories I tell create the reality that I live.

I believe that I am more powerful than I think I am.

I believe that alignment trumps everything.

I believe that children are brilliant, regardless of their years on the planet and that I have much to learn from them.

I believe that every action that I take, is driven by an emotion.

I believe that emotions are at the core, or the basis of everything I say, everything I do, everything I want, and everything I think.

I believe that how I feel is what’s most important.  And I’m always doing it now.

I believe that how I feel does not have to be determined by my circumstances.

I believe that I have the ability to feel beyond what-is.

I believe that any acknowledgment I’m looking for is within myself to give.

I believe that everything I look for outside of myself is present within me.

I believe that comparison kills self-expression and creativity.

I believe that it’s in the vagueness that you hear that small soft voice within.

I believe that the way I feel is the reason for my environment vs. my environment being the reason for the way I feel.  And I have more control over that than I think.

I believe that within every bit of contrast that I experience is an answer to a question I’ve been asking.

I believe that why I do something, or why I want something, and tapping into how it feels, is the most important thing I can ever do.

I believe that the way I respond now creates future experiences.

I believe that how I feel now may have something to do with when I was a child, but that I can change how I feel now.  It’s just a habit of frequency that I’ve sustained. 

I believe that now is the most powerful moment I can ever have.

I believe in self-empowerment.

Why I Write This Blog

I’ve been floundering about with the writing of this blog.  A while back, one of my clients said that my blog didn’t express anywhere near the content and knowledge that he’s experienced within the context of our coaching relationship. I allowed that to knock me out of the water a little bit and I lost sight of why I was writing.  I found myself trying to fit my writing and creative expression into what I thought might be useful to others rather than writing it for myself and that wasn’t at all aligned with why I began writing in the first place.  If it’s coaching you’re looking for, there’s a website on its way and a different blog for that.  If you want to read about me, my family, my musings…here’s where you’ll find it. 

My primary intention for writing this blog is to express myself, somewhat a public diary, as I sift through life and interpret things through my eyes and my life experience.  It’s not meant to be a place for the reader to get coaching, although there will undoubtedly be some of that because I can’t help but coach myself through some things.  I like exploring my thoughts and interpretations about being a parent and how to approach different scenarios.  It’s not written to capture readers, while I’m more than happy if you enjoy reading it.  It may not even be grammatically correct or properly laid out or even well-thought-out; it’s simply an expression and extension of my thoughts. 

While it feels good to write something and have others resonate with it, or to find value in what I’ve shared, my writing is a totally selfish thing.  If you don’t resonate with it, that pleases me as well.

And so you’ll find much about my role as a mother here, navigating my way through life as we all do, and sharing my fascination with our daughter…and about that, I’m always happy to express.    

The Solution Is In How You Feel

Kids like being in control of their world.  And when they feel like they’re not, or when adults impose something upon them that they perceive as control, they have a mini freak-out; otherwise known as a full-out tantrum.

We as adults, aren’t any different.  We want what we want and we want it our way.  When we perceive something as being out of our control, we too have mini freak-outs; or major ones.  Also known as a tantrum.  It’s just that most of us have been socialized to contain our tantrums.  If you could freak out like a three year old and feel appropriate, wouldn’t you love to do it too????

When we perceive that we’re not in control, or feel like we’re losing control, our knee-jerk response is to want to control the conditions, people, or both even more.  

Have you tried it?  I have, and it’s downright exhausting.  It feels like trying to contain the energy of 100 first graders.  You might be able to control one by applying your will, your might, your guiles or your manipulations, but after awhile, you just want to give up or drink some more of your favorite alcoholic beverage.

While it seems like it’s the conditions or the people around us that we want to control, I’ve discovered that that is a futile experience.  

The solution, or the way to feeling “in control” is an inside job.  

Its control over your emotions, control over your perception of the experience that you want.  You think that by controlling the external, you’ll feel better.  That’s backwards. 

All change, all “control” begins first, with how you feel. 

When you decide that you’re going to feel good anyway; you’re going to feel for how you prefer to feel and direct your thoughts; and when you realize that you can’t control the conditions, but you can choose how you want to feel, you’ll find yourself, over time, not feeling the need to control those conditions as much as you once did.  

Your Mind Is Better Than Google

Just like you can go online and go every which way and everywhere, your mind also has the ability to go to all sorts of places. 

The difference is, you often manage the places you go online more deliberately than you do your thoughts. 

Sometimes you let your thoughts go off in all sorts of directions for no other reason than it’s what you always do.  And Law of Attraction helps you with that. 

The more you focus on anything, the more thoughts just like it you attract. 

One way around that is to make a decision that you’re going to think because it feels good; and anything that doesn’t feel good, you’re not going to think about.   You’re either not going to think about it, or you’re going to shift the way you think about it so that it does feel good.   Why?  Well, one reason is because it just feels better to focus in a way that feels good.  The second reason is because, like I mentioned above, the more you focus on anything, the more of it you get.  So if you focus on what’s going wrong, the more of what’s going wrong you’ll get.  The more you focus on what you don’t like, the more of what you don’t like you’ll get.  Law of Attraction is consistent that way…it never fails.  So, if you want more good-feeling, right-feeling stuff, you’ve got to feel good first.  It can’t really play out any other way. 

Ahhhh, crap!  You mean I’ve got to feel good first?

Yep!  That’s the trick!  That’s the place you want to go with your mind.  Feeling good about something that’s bothered you for a long time, or feeling good about a manifestation that you obviously don’t want isn’t always easy.  It may take you several attempts, and a good amount of time to shift it into a different feeling place.  But in the meantime, aren’t there other things in your life that you can focus on that already feel good?  Why focus on the problem(s) and keep feeling immersed in the problem(s)?  You’ll only get more problems.   

You don’t have to let your problems take over your thoughts any more than your computer can surf the net without your discretion.

So first, decide that you want to feel good. 

Make feeling good a priority.

 

Make lists of things you like and love and appreciate that are present in your life right now.

Look for, and focus on those things in your life that are already going well. 

Get familiar with how good feelings feel.  Yes.  When you feel good, check in with yourself and feel how good it feels. 

Look for ways in your life that match those good-feelings. 

Look for the presence of what feels good to you rather than the absence.

As many times throughout the day as you can, praise and compliment – yourself and others.

Play down what you’re currently perceiving as going “wrong” and problematic and turn your attention to other things that you easily feel good about.  It could be your dog, your fish, or your hot shower. Subject matter isn’t important.

Look for the benefit in all things, vs. looking for the detriment in most things.

Push against nothing.  Just focus on what you prefer and what feels good.

The more you focus on feeling good and talk about what’s going right, the more of that you’ll attract and experience.  Your life isn’t like Russian roulette where you just spin the revolver and hope things turn out well for you.  You’re creating it all through your focus and you can be a little more discerning about those things you choose to focus on; and you can do that based on how your focus feels.