It's Cold Outside...Please Put Your Coat On

My kid’s teacher just called from school.  “It’s cold out, and Franki won’t put her coat on.  I’ve tried everything.  I’ve told her that she was just sick and that she doesn’t want to get sick again.  I’ve told her that if she doesn’t put her coat on, she’ll get sick.  I’ve told her all of the other kids have their coat on, so she should put hers on.”

My response to the teacher, “Let her figure it out.  If she decides she’s cold, she’ll put her coat on, unless you tell her she needs to enough that she’ll defiantly not put her coat on because she was doggedly told what to do.”

My child needs to figure things out for herself.  My child knows what to do.  My child knows that she was born with guidance.  My child wants to make her own decisions; no matter what.  My child wants to be in control of her reality.  My child is extremely cooperative.  My child is an extremely joyful child.  My child does not like to be told what to do.  If it’s her idea, she’s good; if it’s not her idea, and she doesn’t like the idea, the more anyone tries to convince her that their way is the right way, or the accepted way, or the appropriate way the less she’s convinced and the more she does the very opposite of what was suggested. 

Don’t we all just want to figure it out for ourselves?  Don’t we feel such pride and sense of empowerment when we’ve come to a conclusion, or made a decision that felt good to us without someone else telling us what to do? 

I know that the teacher wants to be responsible.  I know that the teacher believes she’s doing what’s best for my child.  I know that the teacher is well-meaning.  I know that the teacher is used to having a child do what she says.  I know that she’s of the belief, as many adults are, that the oldest one in the room knows best.  I know that she believes that Franki will get a cold from being outside without a coat on.  I know that she has people to answer to at the school.  I appreciate her calling me for suggestions about how to get my child to do what she wants her to do and what she feels is best for my child. 

While I could have a discussion with Franki when she comes home about the rightness or wrongness of her behavior; while I could suggest that she needs to do what the teacher asks or tells her to do; while I could try to bring home the point that it’s good practice to wear a coat when it’s cold; I could…but I’m not going to do any of that. 

While I want Franki and her teachers to have a harmonic experience, I’m not going to ask Franki to tow the line and do something, anything, that she’s not lined up with doing – no matter who asks her to do it.  I want for her to realize and know that she’s free to choose how she wants to feel.  She can feel and be defiant, or, she can still choose to do or behave as she’s going to, and feel her freedom.  She can also choose to do what’s being requested, and feel free.  She is free, and not everyone around her knows what’s best for her.  They come with their own beliefs and life experiences that have made them draw conclusions.  I prefer if my child draws her own.  She’ll acclimate to some thought forms around her and she’ll adopt premises from others, but what I want her to always come around to, is choosing what feels best to her, regardless of what others may want from her, or may believe or may think they need from her or what they think is best for her. 

I want the teacher and Franki to sort this out, however it plays out.  Franki is the creator of her own reality, and I’m not under any false illusions that it’s my job to handle that for her.  Franki may not be what they’re accustomed to; I know for sure that if they care to, they have much to learn from her – about freedom, about joy, about following their guidance.  She shows me that, more than anyone in my experience, every day.  Does she ruffle feathers because she chooses what she wants above what others want from her or ask of her?  Absolutely!  Am I going to “wrong” her for that and tell her she’s being inappropriate?  Absolutely not.  I want my child to live a good life and to be able to get along in the world, but not at the expense of her guidance. 

Franki will think about this experience.  She’ll sort this out and she’ll decide what she wants to do.  If she’s not pushed into doing something, she’ll willingly decide what’s best for her. 

I know that the world has “consequences” for actions and choices.  I want Franki to choose and experience the results herself.  That way, she feels empowered.  She gets to choose and decide, exercising her freedom to be independent and individual. 

We’re all born knowing this about ourselves.  To what extent are we bending to accommodate and please others for the sake of being accepted or loved or receiving someone else’s approval? 

I’m extremely proud of my little girl…little girl she may be, but also knowing that she creates her own reality and determined to do so, every step along the way.  Whether she wears her coat or not is irrelevant to me; this is a contrasting experience for her where she gets to decide what she’s going to do and how she’s going to respond emotionally. 

 

For that, I’m very happy. 

 

 

My Vow Still Holds True

“Trying to hold on to any relationship as it was, keeps you from the joyous adventure of what it can become.” Abraham-Hicks

Nine years ago today, Jack and I married on a beautiful fall day amongst the crimson, yellow and orange foliage that embraced us with its splendor. The lady who married us, Misha, was as beautiful and colorful as our surroundings, dressed in traditional robes from her country.  An intimate group of family members and friends joined us in celebrating our union, as we exchanged our vows with each other.  I vowed to honor and obey Jack, fulfilling his every request, and to serve him breakfast while being scantily adorned in clothing.  ….....

Well, that wasn’t quite what I vowed, but I did make a commitment to him, and to myself.  (my wedding vows to Jack are below this blog, if you would like to read them).

Our wedding was simple and easy from the planning process straight through to the ceremony and beyond.  Family and friends began arriving at our home around 4:30 in the afternoon and Jack and I mingled amongst them.  At 5:50, I went upstairs to change out of my jeans and into my dress and re-joined the group at 6:10; fifty guests perched on our front porch, silent and still, respecting the exchange that was about to begin; Jack waiting below on the sidewalk, for me to stand next to him. 

The memory of that day activates within me a knowing and a certainty and a love that I felt so purely and unconditionally.  It keeps me, not held in the past and wishing it was again, but eagerly grounded in what we have now, and what we continue to become as individuals, as a couple, and now as a family with Franki in our mix.    

There are things we used to say and do for each other that we no longer do.  Those have been replaced with other things that we now say and do.  Some of our priorities have changed, our desires continue to evolve and the temperature of our relationship modifies as we navigate through our lives.

Things aren’t meant to stay the same; we can’t help but expand as human beings.  Sometimes I go willingly, and sometimes…not so much.  But what creates discomfort within me is if I hold to some illusion of the past or how we were “back then” and make a comparison to now, rather than appreciate what we’ve become. 

 

As I hold on to whatever was, I’m not embracing or allowing all that our relationship can evolve into.

I want to continue exploring the depths and breaths of our relationship and of each other.  I want to use my individual freedom to fuel my desire to evolve and to continually re-commit to this man as he changes and becomes.  And now, with Franki in the mix, I see that I make the same commitment to her, (except for the lust part) ;) as I did to Jack.  What I vowed to Jack and to myself nine years ago still holds true for me; maybe truer than ever before.

 

 

Here are my wedding vows to Jack....

Jack,

 My wedding present to you is not something tangible or material.  My wedding present to you is me – all of me – my light and my dark, my past and my present; my magnificence and my fears, my brilliance and my negativity.  I give you all of me, for it is in this space that I choose to create with you.  Create a life of passion, filled with creativity, love and joy.  A life of vision, clarity, peace and certainty.  A life of courage, trust, ….. and deep faith.  I support you in all that you are, all that you do.  I support you in achieving your goals, following your heart and soul’s passion and living the life of your dreams.  I am committed to your growth as much as I am committed to my own.  I am committed to us, to our vision and to creating a life exactly as we imagine it to be.  I offer you my heart, I offer you my soul.  I offer you freedom…to be.  I am here to reflect all of who you are and to be all of who I am.  I promise to enhance my own self-esteem every day – to honor and to love myself every day; to create space for you to do the same.  My commitment to you is to take care of myself…to want you, not need you.  I shall not obsess over you.  I love and lust you.  My commitment to me is to be selfish.  My commitment to you is to honor your selfishness.

 When our eyes first locked, I knew I knew you, I remembered you.  My soul recognized your soul from the past.  I am blessed to have reunited with you.  We have another lifetime to re-create and re-define who we are on this journey together.  It is my honor and my privilege to know you, to share my life with you and to have you share your life with mine.  It is my honor to support you and to challenge you; I shall treat my role with utmost respect and reverence.

When I look at you, I see this amazing soul who is deeply connected and plugged-in; one who searches for answers and for truths.  One who searches for illusions to be revealed, while appreciating the illusion of it all.  I see a kind soul.  I see a compassionate soul, a reflective soul.  I see balance.  I see a playful and young soul; one who loves humor and laughter.  I see a soul who easily transforms in the moment to who he needs to be.  One who easily and effortlessly connects with others of all ages, race, and background.  I see a soul who is creative and intelligent.

 In you I see all of this as you are a reflection of me.  As we stand separately, we are one.  Our power comes from inner strength.  With this inner strength, we create a truly powerful relationship.  With this inner strength, we create a space that allows for growth – for who we are now, who we need to be, and who we aspire to be – separately and united.  I shall not limit you.  There is no condition that makes it ok for us to stay together.  I do not desire to cause you to be less in your expression of yourself.  Fuel the engine of your experience – the experience of who you really are and choose to be.  I support you to live authentically, to live your truth.  I not only love you in spite of what you imagine your faults to be, I love you because of them. 

 This….is my gift to you, my vow to you in our spiritual union.  I am all that there is, and all that there is not, and I share this freely…and openly…with you.

 

Christine