Who Do You Be Loyal To?

 

A while back I was highly encouraged to end my relationship with a long-time friend.  The person making the request gave me long lists of why this request was reasonable and that my cessation of the relationship would make life a whole lot easier for them.  While I’m all about helping people out, I’m not about dishonoring myself for the sake of someone else’s feelings or convenience, whoever they are. 

In this case though, I did.  I did something that felt awful and just plain wrong to me, to make someone else happy.  I contacted the person I was ending the relationship with and took full responsibility for my choice, being mindful not to blame anyone, especially the person who had made the original request to cut off all contact. 

 In the process of trying to do the “right” thing for another, I did the wrong thing for myself. 

It bothered me.  It lingered.  Something was off to me. 

There’s nothing I can do to fix what went on between these two people.  There’s nothing about it that has anything to do with me. 

While the socially acceptable response is to do what someone else asks of you if you love and care for them, what happens if you’re not being true to yourself in the process?  Who do you please?  Who do you honor?  Who do you be loyal to? 

 I felt pinned between someone that I care for making a request of me and honoring my relationship with myself. 

 So I considered who I am, what I teach and what I stand for.  What message am I implying to Franki as I do something that opposes the very core of me?  I considered what I would say to Franki if she came to me and someone was making a request of her that she didn’t feel right about.  Would I encourage Franki to do what I did?  No….I wouldn’t.  I would encourage her to follow her own heart, to be true to what her guidance is telling her, to be true to herself and what feels best to her.  I would remind her that others get to make requests of her that seem reasonable and sound to them and others get to choose how they want to feel; and that within that, it’s not her requirement to fulfill any obligation if implied.  Rather, it’s up to her to tune in to what she knows to be true for herself, and then do what feels best to her.  I would tell her that following her own guidance is more important than trying to please another for in acquiescing to other’s requests just to keep the peace or to make them happy, she would not be benefitting anyone.  In the process of doing that, she would be training them away from their own guidance supporting the false belief that others must behave in a certain way so that they can feel good.  That only lays ground for resentment and blame toward the people making the requests, as she did something that didn’t feel right to her.  It’s not her job to sort out how other people feel or how they respond, her only job and her only responsibility is to sort that out for herself. 

In her selfishness, she serves others.  In her selfishness she benefits others.  In her selfishness she stands in her alignment with self and when she’s aligned with self, she stands as a beacon to others.

And so, I followed the guidance that I would share with Franki.  I’m in touch with the person whom I was asked not to be in touch with, not frequently, but in a way that feels true to me.  Not to be disrespectful, and not to be disloyal in any way to the other, but rather, to be loyal to who I am and what feels right to me. 

 

I love people, I don’t reject them.  I stand for personal alignment over pleasing another.  I stand for self-empowerment even if, or even though, it may not be the most popular choice and if I did anything other than that, I would be going against everything I stand for. 

I Believe That Generally Speaking, Parents Have it Backwards

I believe that generally speaking, parents have it backwards. 

I believe that our children don’t belong to us.  We are just a means for their arrival.

I believe that children are here to guide us, and not the other way around.

I believe that we can learn more from our children by observing them than they can from us “teaching” them.

I believe all children are born with their own guidance.

I believe that the less parents interfere with that guidance, the happier the child is.

I believe that most parents interfere and train their children away from their own guidance.

I believe that children know they’re born free and when they feel not-free, they will display some type of “bad” behavior as perceived by those around them.

I believe that all behavior that is labeled as “bad” is simply an outburst of feeling disconnected.

I believe that we all have temper tantrums; the only difference being that children haven’t learned to contain them…just yet.

I believe that children know they’re supposed to have what they want.

I believe that children do their best not to believe the bullshit stories based on false premises that most adults around them offer up.

I believe that children know that life is supposed to be good for them.

I believe that children are born feeling worthy and good and appropriate.

I believe that a child’s sense of worthiness is whittled away as those around them tell them they’re inappropriate. 

I believe that it’s the parent’s responsibility to feel better and not the child’s responsibility to modify his behavior so that the parent can feel better. 

I believe that parents try to exercise control over their children rather than manage their own frequency.

I believe that children are naturally joyful, unless what they observe around them trains them away from that.

I believe that children are born knowing who-they-really-are and they’re here to remind us of who we are.

I believe that children mimick the behavior and the vibration of those around them.

I believe that children establish habits of vibration (habits of thought) early-on in life and as adults we keep regurgitating them as truths.

I believe that children pick up the vibrational habits of those around them and take them on as their own.

I believe that children are not meant to be restrained.

I believe that every choice a child makes on his own is empowering to the child.

I believe that children thrive when parents trust them – trust their judgment; trust their knowing.

I believe that anything a parent can do to encourage the child’s knowing is of benefit.

I believe that when a parent doesn’t trust his child, it sets the child up to prove something. 

I believe that parents are lazy with their focus and expect their children to change their behavior so that they can keep being lazy with their focus.

I believe that if a parent is affected by their child’s behavior, it’s an opportunity to do some self-reflection and not discipline or control the child more. 

I believe that children are repelled by the vibration of worry.

I believe that children will create the contrast they require for their own expansion.

I believe that children know what’s best for them and parents would do well to just mind their our own business.

I believe that children modify their behavior to please their parents.

I believe that children are born knowing all of this, and choose to come forth anyway.

I believe that children know parents have it backwards.

 

I Believe

I recently enrolled in a Women’s Thought Leadership Society, led by KC Baker, where we’ll be exploring our message and our voices for the next six weeks.  This week’s homework assignment is about exploring what we believe in and what we stand for and why we feel compelled to use our voices.  While the assignment requires us to whittle down what we believe to four or five key points relative to our work, I came up with so many things that I stand for and believe in, that I thought I’d share them with you. 

I stand for Freedom

Freedom to create the life you want,

To follow your guidance,

To trust yourself.

I stand for YOU

Coming into awareness of your guidance and that you always know what’s best for you.

I stand for Self- Empowerment

And having you know that you’re the creator of your reality.

I believe that the biggest chains that bind me, are my own.

I believe that how I feel affects everything.  Change how I feel and my world changes.

I believe that I am the center of my Universe.

I believe that the world around me reflects how I feel.

I believe that if I change my story, I change my life.

I believe that the stories I tell create the reality that I live.

I believe that I am more powerful than I think I am.

I believe that alignment trumps everything.

I believe that children are brilliant, regardless of their years on the planet and that I have much to learn from them.

I believe that every action that I take, is driven by an emotion.

I believe that emotions are at the core, or the basis of everything I say, everything I do, everything I want, and everything I think.

I believe that how I feel is what’s most important.  And I’m always doing it now.

I believe that how I feel does not have to be determined by my circumstances.

I believe that I have the ability to feel beyond what-is.

I believe that any acknowledgment I’m looking for is within myself to give.

I believe that everything I look for outside of myself is present within me.

I believe that comparison kills self-expression and creativity.

I believe that it’s in the vagueness that you hear that small soft voice within.

I believe that the way I feel is the reason for my environment vs. my environment being the reason for the way I feel.  And I have more control over that than I think.

I believe that within every bit of contrast that I experience is an answer to a question I’ve been asking.

I believe that why I do something, or why I want something, and tapping into how it feels, is the most important thing I can ever do.

I believe that the way I respond now creates future experiences.

I believe that how I feel now may have something to do with when I was a child, but that I can change how I feel now.  It’s just a habit of frequency that I’ve sustained. 

I believe that now is the most powerful moment I can ever have.

I believe in self-empowerment.

Why I Write This Blog

I’ve been floundering about with the writing of this blog.  A while back, one of my clients said that my blog didn’t express anywhere near the content and knowledge that he’s experienced within the context of our coaching relationship. I allowed that to knock me out of the water a little bit and I lost sight of why I was writing.  I found myself trying to fit my writing and creative expression into what I thought might be useful to others rather than writing it for myself and that wasn’t at all aligned with why I began writing in the first place.  If it’s coaching you’re looking for, there’s a website on its way and a different blog for that.  If you want to read about me, my family, my musings…here’s where you’ll find it. 

My primary intention for writing this blog is to express myself, somewhat a public diary, as I sift through life and interpret things through my eyes and my life experience.  It’s not meant to be a place for the reader to get coaching, although there will undoubtedly be some of that because I can’t help but coach myself through some things.  I like exploring my thoughts and interpretations about being a parent and how to approach different scenarios.  It’s not written to capture readers, while I’m more than happy if you enjoy reading it.  It may not even be grammatically correct or properly laid out or even well-thought-out; it’s simply an expression and extension of my thoughts. 

While it feels good to write something and have others resonate with it, or to find value in what I’ve shared, my writing is a totally selfish thing.  If you don’t resonate with it, that pleases me as well.

And so you’ll find much about my role as a mother here, navigating my way through life as we all do, and sharing my fascination with our daughter…and about that, I’m always happy to express.    

The Solution Is In How You Feel

Kids like being in control of their world.  And when they feel like they’re not, or when adults impose something upon them that they perceive as control, they have a mini freak-out; otherwise known as a full-out tantrum.

We as adults, aren’t any different.  We want what we want and we want it our way.  When we perceive something as being out of our control, we too have mini freak-outs; or major ones.  Also known as a tantrum.  It’s just that most of us have been socialized to contain our tantrums.  If you could freak out like a three year old and feel appropriate, wouldn’t you love to do it too????

When we perceive that we’re not in control, or feel like we’re losing control, our knee-jerk response is to want to control the conditions, people, or both even more.  

Have you tried it?  I have, and it’s downright exhausting.  It feels like trying to contain the energy of 100 first graders.  You might be able to control one by applying your will, your might, your guiles or your manipulations, but after awhile, you just want to give up or drink some more of your favorite alcoholic beverage.

While it seems like it’s the conditions or the people around us that we want to control, I’ve discovered that that is a futile experience.  

The solution, or the way to feeling “in control” is an inside job.  

Its control over your emotions, control over your perception of the experience that you want.  You think that by controlling the external, you’ll feel better.  That’s backwards. 

All change, all “control” begins first, with how you feel. 

When you decide that you’re going to feel good anyway; you’re going to feel for how you prefer to feel and direct your thoughts; and when you realize that you can’t control the conditions, but you can choose how you want to feel, you’ll find yourself, over time, not feeling the need to control those conditions as much as you once did.  

Your Mind Is Better Than Google

Just like you can go online and go every which way and everywhere, your mind also has the ability to go to all sorts of places. 

The difference is, you often manage the places you go online more deliberately than you do your thoughts. 

Sometimes you let your thoughts go off in all sorts of directions for no other reason than it’s what you always do.  And Law of Attraction helps you with that. 

The more you focus on anything, the more thoughts just like it you attract. 

One way around that is to make a decision that you’re going to think because it feels good; and anything that doesn’t feel good, you’re not going to think about.   You’re either not going to think about it, or you’re going to shift the way you think about it so that it does feel good.   Why?  Well, one reason is because it just feels better to focus in a way that feels good.  The second reason is because, like I mentioned above, the more you focus on anything, the more of it you get.  So if you focus on what’s going wrong, the more of what’s going wrong you’ll get.  The more you focus on what you don’t like, the more of what you don’t like you’ll get.  Law of Attraction is consistent that way…it never fails.  So, if you want more good-feeling, right-feeling stuff, you’ve got to feel good first.  It can’t really play out any other way. 

Ahhhh, crap!  You mean I’ve got to feel good first?

Yep!  That’s the trick!  That’s the place you want to go with your mind.  Feeling good about something that’s bothered you for a long time, or feeling good about a manifestation that you obviously don’t want isn’t always easy.  It may take you several attempts, and a good amount of time to shift it into a different feeling place.  But in the meantime, aren’t there other things in your life that you can focus on that already feel good?  Why focus on the problem(s) and keep feeling immersed in the problem(s)?  You’ll only get more problems.   

You don’t have to let your problems take over your thoughts any more than your computer can surf the net without your discretion.

So first, decide that you want to feel good. 

Make feeling good a priority.

 

Make lists of things you like and love and appreciate that are present in your life right now.

Look for, and focus on those things in your life that are already going well. 

Get familiar with how good feelings feel.  Yes.  When you feel good, check in with yourself and feel how good it feels. 

Look for ways in your life that match those good-feelings. 

Look for the presence of what feels good to you rather than the absence.

As many times throughout the day as you can, praise and compliment – yourself and others.

Play down what you’re currently perceiving as going “wrong” and problematic and turn your attention to other things that you easily feel good about.  It could be your dog, your fish, or your hot shower. Subject matter isn’t important.

Look for the benefit in all things, vs. looking for the detriment in most things.

Push against nothing.  Just focus on what you prefer and what feels good.

The more you focus on feeling good and talk about what’s going right, the more of that you’ll attract and experience.  Your life isn’t like Russian roulette where you just spin the revolver and hope things turn out well for you.  You’re creating it all through your focus and you can be a little more discerning about those things you choose to focus on; and you can do that based on how your focus feels. 

You Can Create the Relationships You Want

My good relationships don’t happen by chance or by luck.  They “happen” because I’m deliberate about what I focus on within the relationships and about the individuals.  I create in advance what tomorrow’s going to be based on what feels good.  I focus on what I like and love about the person because it feels good.  Thinking about what bothers or annoys me and what I prefer to be different doesn’t feel good at all, and I choose to feel good.  So when I think about Franki, I direct my thoughts toward those parts of her and those parts of our relationship that are easy for me to appreciate and feel good about.  And then I feel for the essence of our relationship – it feels joyful and easy.  It feels harmonious and fun.  It feels playful.  It feels loving.  It feels happy.  It feels cooperative.  It flows.  It feels allowing of each other.  It feels creative.  It feels insightful.  It feels silly and goofy.  It feels stimulating and interesting.  It feels special.  I love the way we play together and I love the way we communicate.  I feel proud and I feel fascinated and captivated by her and her view of the world.  And when I think of Jack and when I think of my friends and family and when I think of how I move through traffic or participate in stores, and interact with the world around me, I engage in thoughts that feel good; I enlist from the Universe what I want, because first, I come into alignment with how I want my world to feel.  

 

I focus on the experience I want to have and how I want it to feel; and how I enjoy feeling.  Why?  Because I’m the creator of my reality and if I want good-feeling relationships, it’s up to me to focus in a way that feels good to me first, and those relationships will follow.

 

No matter who you are, you’re “in relationship” to someone. 

 

That can be someone you’re living with or in romantic relationship with; it can be a friend, a relative, an employee, a boss, a co-worker; even those people you mingle with in traffic, at the store, restaurant or bar.  The way to good relationships is not by pointing out faults or by focusing on those things that bother you. 

 

 Are there times when I feel annoyed?  Are there times when I wish Franki wasn’t having that temper tantrum she’s having right now?  Are there times when I just wish she’d behave differently so that I could feel better?  Abso-fu*^in-lutely!  But it’s still my job to find a way to create the relationship that I want to experience with her through my focus; it’s not up to Franki to be different.  Afterall, she can only live into my expectations of her.

 

No one can live outside of your expectations of them.

 

A good relationship is not had by constantly pointing out faults.  Neither is a good relationship cultivated by needing the person you’re in relationship with to change or to be different than they are.  If what you focus on expands, and what you think about becomes your reality whether you like it or not, and you want things to be different, it’s up to you to focus differently.  How do you think your relationships would change if you only focused on what you love about them?  How do you think your relationships would change if you started every conversation with… “do you know what I love about you”?  How do you think your weekly meetings would go if each and every person attending expressed something they appreciated about another?  How do you think you would feel about yourself if you found something to love about yourself every single day? 

 

There are so many good-feeling things to focus on about yourself and others and the more you do it, the more you’ll discover to love.  Good-feeling thoughts are just a thought away and good-feeling thoughts can only lead to good-feeling relationships.  Cultivate the relationships you want, put your attention on feeling good, and reap the benefits of your deliberate focus.

 

Your relationships are exactly as you focus them into being.