Update on my "status"

This is for you, Bryn…. ;)   There’s really no other way to describe it, other than, “I was lost and now I’m found”. ;) What I’m referring to is Facebook.  Yes, that app that we all have on our I-phones and that place where we post our blogs or our whereabouts or our current goings-on and that thing that some people incessantly check multiple times a day…I’ve decided that I like it now.  When my friend Bryn first asked me if I was on Facebook, I think I looked at her like she’d just told me my baby was ugly, and I replied that I had no interest in being that “social”.  I just wasn’t that into it. ;)  I finally succumbed to the FB “calling” when I had so many people asking me to see photos of Franki; it was a decision purely based on convenience…. Really.  It made it much simpler to post pictures for anyone who wanted to see updated photos of her.  Then, a high school friend of mine got “wind” of me on FB and told me that another high school friend was searching for me because she was organizing a reunion for our little gang that used to hang out together.  I was thrilled to hear from them both as I’d wondered about them over the years.  So how cool was that?!?  I’d particularly wondered about my friend Michelle, and there she was, 25 years later, a “friend request” away.  That then led me to be in touch with a few more select people from my high school days; but after all, I was able to select.  So just when I was ready to call it off with FB, I turned around and it had me at “hello”.  I’ve come to really appreciate FB for so many reasons.   Sure, there’s a lot of crap that’s posted and a lot of stuff that I’m not interested in, but I do have the ability to just skip over that stuff, don’t I?  I don’t have to read it just because it’s there.  What I do love about it is that it gives me the ability to communicate or connect so quickly, and so conveniently, with one, or many people.  And just having little tid-bits of the lives of my FB friends, whenever I want to access it, is fun.  I had so many birthday wishes from people the other day, that if I hadn’t been on FB, I would not have received.  It’s given me another way to communicate, another way to connect, and another way to be in touch and involved with those people that I care about.  And for that, I think FB is a really good thing.  So, I’m wondering…. Will you be my friend???? ;)

It's the simple things

I love this time of the year when the air is so fresh, while the sun is still warm and the leaves are turning golden bronze and rusty red, and there are little berries popping up on bushes everywhere.  I love filling my lungs full, and letting it out slowly, feeling the well-being that surrounds me.  I love walking down the driveway, hearing the crunch of the dry fallen leaves under my feet.  I love the way our tall grasses dance in the wind, with their “tails” glistening in the sun.  I love that it’s the end of a season and the beginning of another.  I love reveling in the variety of the gourds and the pumpkins and the array of colorful mums, all of them inspiring me to decorate our porch with them.  I love the smell of the pumpkin candles that I so carefully put away every year, only to take them out in the fall, so that I can cherish them like they’re brand new again.  I love looking out into the mountain range from our front porch, getting absorbed into the depths and the textures of the colors and the shapes that the trees on the mountains form, far off in the distance.  There are so many things in a day that thrill and delight me.  Like the cardinal that came and perched itself on our bird feeder this morning as I sat on our porch, basking in the sunshine.  And the hawk that came to say “good morning” as he circled overhead, his wings spread, flying free, finding the updraft to take him to higher and higher elevations.  Or the deer in our yard, coming to pick up the apples that we left for them, and as they see us observing them, staying a little longer because they know we mean them no harm.  I love the stability of the ground beneath my feet and the trees that majestically stand upon it, offering beauty and texture and wonder to my world.  I love holding hands with Franki…feeling her tiny, soft hand in mine; or sharing a laugh with my luv, Jack.  I love all of the birthday wishes I received yesterday that came in so many ways – text, email, Facebook, telephone, from family and friends who enhance my life and whom I have the privilege to love; what a delight to be in touch with so many people in one day!  I love doing my list of things I appreciate before going off to sleep at night.  I love the softness of my sheets and the coziness of my blankets and snuggling in to bed as I lay my head comfortably on my pillow.  I love washing my face and putting on my perfume, appreciating the lingering undertones of vanilla and grapefruit.  I love my fuzzy socks (which by the way, were a birthday present) because they’re so warm and cozy and they feel so good on my feet.  And I love petting Schatzchen, our dog, showering him with love and attention and appreciation.  There are so many things to love in my day.  The list is endless and growing.  And what I find, are that the things I love most, are those simple things; they are things that are available to me, and in my reality, every day.  They’re not things I have to go out and buy and they’re not things that I don’t have that I want, they’re things that I can just be present to every day and take the time to appreciate them, even for just a second.  What are the things in your day that you love and appreciate the most?

Inside Job

Sometimes, I would just love for my husband, Jack, and my daughter, Franki, to just “behave” in a way that pleases me.  Really, I would.  In fact, wouldn’t it be nice if everyone in the world just behaved or did what I wanted them to?  Have you ever tried controlling someone’s behavior???  I have!  …and damn, it’s tiring and practically impossible because as soon you think you’ve got them controlled, they then go and do something else that you don’t like and so you need to control that too!  What I’ve come to realize is that it’s not my job to make someone behave in a particular way and it’s not my job to make them do what I want them to do and it’s not even remotely my job to control them in any way, shape or form.  ….Nor is it their job to be any different than they are.   We’re all wired to be “selfishly” driven, in the sense that “I want what I want”.   As I was growing up, I came to see and believe that if I behaved in a particular way, those around me were happy.  If I behaved in another way, those around me were not happy.  So, being the smart little gal that I was, I put two and two together to make that mean, “it’s up to me to change and be the way someone else wants me to be so that they can be happy or feel good”.  But since we are wired to want what we want, it’s really our job to modify or choose how we feel rather than asking someone else to modify their behavior or their way of being or their attitude so that we can feel good.  As much as I think I’d like people to just behave in a way that would please me, wouldn’t that mean then that I would just have to control everybody’s behavior to accommodate what I want?   …and since I’ve already tried that and it doesn’t really work (not for long, anyway)…   

What is in my control is how I choose to perceive and therefore feel, about something or someone.   So, it’s all up to me.  I do temporarily forget that, and think the “easy way” would be for Jack and Franki to just behave in a way that I want them to, which would make my life easier (or so I think in the moment).  That way I wouldn’t have to focus on what I want or prefer, and I wouldn’t have to choose a better feeling perspective and I could just feel better by observing the condition that now has changed because they’ve modified their behavior.  Then I remember that feeling good is an inside job first and that I don’t need to rely on the outside conditions to change before I feel good.  I can feel good as soon as I decide to, rather than need anyone or anything to change for me to be more satisfied in any way.  And when I remember that, I feel more powerful. When I remember that, I remember that it’s totally in my control to choose how I want to feel about something or someone.  I feel powerful because it’s in my “hands”, what perspective I choose rather than needing, or relying on someone else to do or be something different than they are.

"Living the Dream"

“Living the dream”…what does that really mean?  Does it mean now?  Does it mean later?  Does it mean financial success?  Does it mean doing what I love?  Does it mean fulfilling what you feel is your life’s purpose?  Does it mean having things you’ve dreamed of owning?  What does it mean?  What does it mean to you?  “Living the dream”, to me, means that I’m happy.  It means overall, that I’m happy with who I am, and what I know and with “where” I am.  It means to me that I can appreciate many aspects of what-is, while expecting and wanting more.  It means that there’s always more to dream about, that I’m always going to be discovering new things about myself and new things about those people around me and new things about my world.  It means that as I move through time, I can, and most likely will, adjust my preferences about what I want and who I am.  But mostly, it means being happy about where I stand, appreciating as much as I can, knowing that I have the ability to choose, and enjoying the ride along the way and not having it be about some future experience before deciding to be happy.  Don’t get me wrong, I like thinking about things in the future that bring me pleasure now, but I also want to enjoy now without “wishing” my life away to some future moment.  Living the dream, to me, is about the journey, every day; the discovery, every day; and not rushing to some perceived “end”.  Living the dream, to me, is how I’m using my now, whether I’m using my now to “dream” about something that hasn’t yet happened, or using my now to set goals that thrill me, or using my now to think about some past experience that pleased me, or using my now to focus on something or someone in my present that is pleasing to me.  It’s using my now to feel good, and living that dream in my mind, in my heart, in my beingness, even if the dream hasn’t come to full fruition.   It’s what I do with my nows that make me feel like I’m living my dream in every moment.  Am I always “living the dream”?  Am I always happy?  Am I always focused on what I would prefer and on what feels good?  Absolutely not!  But that’s all part of it too.  That’s all part of living the dream, because without feeling less than good, I wouldn’t know what feeling good feels like.  And without some experiences and some focus on what I don’t want, I wouldn’t be so clear or precise about what I do want.  Living the dream isn’t about perfection, but rather it’s about finding ways to allow myself to stand where I am, feel how I do, knowing that from this place all is well and it’s always unfolding as I continually re-define the dream and what I want my life to be.

I made her wear her pants....

I made her wear her pants…yes I did.  She put up a fight, but I won!..... yes, I actually did that.  Let’s start at the beginning of this story.  So, Franki has been establishing her independence and choosing what she wants to wear some days...well actually, most days.  Some days, I pick, and she’ll wear it, other days, there’s no way in hell that she’s going to wear that!  …she wants this instead.  So our mornings are easy, usually, and I want Franki to establish her independence and to know she has a choice, and although some of the outfits she chooses I would not have thought to put together, she does a pretty darn good job.  Often the coup-de-gras are the rubber boots to finish off the outfit.  But this particular morning, I  went in and picked out a pair of pants and a t-shirt for her to wear.  When it came time to put the pants on, she ssssssssssssscreamed and fussed and struggled.  She did not want to wear those pants.  Buuuuuuuuuuuuut….I too was determined, and I was determined that she would wear those pants.  So, the battle ensued.  I got those pants on her, darn it all, and all the while, her dad was watching this “battle” going on between a 2 year old and a grown woman (maybe not in that moment).  In the middle of me pulling those pants on her and Franki screaming bloody murder, Jack said, “why do you want her to wear those pants when she clearly doesn’t want to wear them?”  I gave him a look that would cut somebody’s legs off, proceeded to put Franki’s pants on, and walked out of the room, leaving the two of them, “the enemies” to themselves.  I was mad.  “How could he take her side and not mine?  Why didn’t he “back me up” and agree with me?  Why was she so uncooperative?”  And on it went for a few minutes.  I let myself rant for awhile, then I realized, he was right.  Damn it!  I hate it when he’s “right”. (smile).   But he was.  And I was so glad for that voice of reason….not necessarily in the “heat of the moment”, but after having walked away from it, I was.  Why did I want her to wear those pants?  What was I making such a big deal about anyway?  She clearly didn’t want to wear them, and she likes to make her own choices and I want to encourage that, so why, this morning, did I totally go against what I want and try to establish my “authority” and control over my two year old?  I had just gone and done something that is completely not who I want to be as a parent.  I actually shocked myself and feel slightly embarrassed to even share that I did what I did, but does “chastising myself” help the situation?  Does holding on to it and beating myself up do anyone any good?  Franki had forgotten about it within less than five minutes of the “occurrence”, while I hung on to it for a while longer than that ;).  So does it really matter “why” I did it, do I need to analyze my every move and figure out why I did it, or can I just go ahead a give myself a break, find a way to look at it that makes me feel better, and use it as a point in time in which I clarified my intentions, and made a new decision about how I want to interact with my daughter?  Would I want my daughter to beat herself up over something she did?  No, I would want her to use her experience as a new understanding to clarify what she now wants.  So, the best way I know how to “teach” or encourage my daughter to let it be ok to be who she is in any moment, is by first, being ok with who I am being in any moment… 

Life Experience and Knowing

I used to think that being a life coach meant that I had to have it all figured out and then I had to "teach" it.  But now I know that it’s just me figuring things out as I go, applying what I know and sharing it because I love to coach, hoping that someone will benefit from my own experience and understanding.  It’s not my job to know it all; it’s my job to be a human, having a life experience and figuring it out along the way as best I can.  I can’t “teach” something unless I understand it, and the best way I can ever understand anything is to have my own experience and then apply it.  I can grasp a concept, but until I’ve actually done the thing or had the experience myself, I don’t really understand or know it.  It’s like telling a young child not to jump off the couch because it’s too high.  That doesn’t really mean anything to the child until the child has jumped and discovered something for himself.  Or it’s like telling your teenager not to drink too much because she’ll get sick.  Well, we all know how that works out.  They want to discover for themselves what it’s really like.  Don’t we all?!?  And they want to discover for themselves what their next choice about that is going to be, and how will they ever know, and how will we ever know, if we don’t have an experience that now deepens our understanding, and then now we can make a decision (it may or may not be different), but at least we now know, rather than it being some “theory” that we were told about.  When I had people describing to me what it was like to be pregnant, or about having a baby, I heard what they were saying, but until had my own experience of it, I really had no idea.  And then I knew.  The path to self-discovery and the path to confidence and the path to really knowing are by experiencing it yourself and not by someone else making that choice for you or telling you what it’s going to be like. 

So, as I live my life every day, I figure things out and I apply them.  As I live my life every day, I discover things about myself, and I experience things that I really like and things that I really don’t prefer, and I make new choices and I apply them to my life, and then I offer what I know, with the desire to help someone out.  I can’t have it all figured out before it ever happens, but I can figure it out one step at a time, knowing that if I share what I’ve learned, it may assist someone, but they’re never really going to know until they know.   I thought that me having it all figured out made me a better coach…..but I realize that me being just like everybody else, figuring it out along the way with a strong desire to assist, is what makes me the best coach I can be.