There's Always a Higher Speed Limit

“Wow, I’m older than the number on that sign”, was the thought I had when I drove by a speed limit sign this morning.  The number was 45.  It’s my birthday today, so I guess numbers are higher in my awareness today. Then I thought, “well, there’s always a speed limit with a higher number.”

 I’d like to say that moving through time is irrelevant to me and that I don’t care how old I am, or that I haven’t been affected by what I’ve observed as people age; but I do care and an image has been imprinted.

 I’m now at the age my parents were when I thought they were old.  While I don’t think I’m old in the way that I thought my parents were, and I sorta kinda consider myself young’ish, I also recognize and acknowledge that I’m not 20 something or even 30 something either. 

 So I’m not the 20 or 30 something, I’m the 40 something sliding into the 50 something and what does that mean to me?  I see my reflection in the mirror.  It’s still me looking back at me, but there are subtle changes that seem oh-not-so-subtle to me.  I can’t stop the passage of time, although sometimes I think I’d like to.  Sometimes I think I’d like to freeze-frame everything and keep Franki at this age and myself at this age and hold time still; but I can’t.  Sometimes I want to hold on tightly so that nothing and no one in my life gets older and everything stays the same.  And then I let go…I loosen my grip, I breathe more deeply and I remember that I’ve just had a temporary moment of fear of the unknown.

 When I was about 7 years of age, my 70’ish grandfather came to live with us.  The way I saw him then is how I still remember him most.  I felt somewhat confused and somewhat disgusted at the way he was.  He would drag his feet and pee his pants and make little sense when he spoke.  But he had this sparkle in his eyes every now and then.  I knew for sure I liked that sparkle, and I also knew for sure that I didn’t want to be like him when I got old.

There are things to sift through.  How do I want to define my movement through time?  What do I want my experience to be?  Are there things I consider “inevitable” as I move through time?  Have I, or am I, accepting what I’ve observed in others as my fate just because it appears to be reality?  How do I talk about it and think about it now and are there ways in which I can redefine and change and shift my beliefs and expectations about my personal experience?

 I know that as I continue to move through time, I’ll continue to ask those questions, not accepting some pre-determined definition that I or others have defined, but consciously choosing what I prefer instead, and aligning my beliefs with that.

 I also know that I as I continue to move through time, there’ll always be a speed limit sign with a number higher than my age.  When I get to 99, I’ll go to Canada where the speed limit on the 401 highway is 100 kmh.  ;)