What If, the Destination is Now?

My blog post from last week, “There’s Always a Higher Speed Limit” received a lot of comments.  Below, I’d like to share one of those that one of my readers (and friend) wrote:

Reading through your speed limit story reminded me of my dad.  I used to love riding in the car with him and I would always ask him to pass every car on the highway so that we could finish first.  He kept doing that, but there was always a car in front of us especially when he was speeding up.  So after about a half hour of this ghost-chasing, he started asking me if I noticed the landmarks that we were zooming by on the Autobahn.  I kept saying, “nope, nope, nope.”  He finally said to me, “life’s just like our drive.  The more you’re trying to finish first/better/richer/prettier/more attractive/younger etc., the more you come across someone who has already been where you are, but in the process of trying to become all these things, you miss the fact that there is no destination or finish line.  All there is, is living and enjoying.”  So this was a life lesson to me from my dad who passed away when he was younger than me 26 years ago and your blog story inspired me yet again to think of him and honor him in my mind and in my heart.

DK

There’s such wisdom in this beautiful story.  Many of us are in constant pursuit of something…wealth, happiness, a mate, a better or newer car, a raise, a job, a business, more business, a slimmer or fitter body, better health, lost youth, and while improvement and wanting more or wanting change are in our nature as human beings, what if there is no finish line?  What if there is no destination in the way that we’ve come to know it?  What if there’s no hurry to get there?  What if there is no “there” at all?  What if the point of living life is not to get there, or to check off a list of accomplishments under your belt, but rather, to birth desires to flow your energy toward, to breathe life into you, and to receive pure enjoyment from where you stand right now, always on your way to more?  The point isn’t to get it all done, the point is to enjoy the ride along the way because you’re always going to be moving toward something more – some improvement, some change, some more.

I used to think that life was about getting to the finish line.  I used to think that the more I got done the worthier I was.  I used to think that the more productive and accomplished I was the more I’d earned some stars on the chart.

I like getting things done.  I like checking items off my list of things to do today (although I’m not so much about making lists anymore).  I like feeling productive.  But what I enjoy the most is the process on my way. The finished product or the end result is lovely and often inspires great appreciation from me, but it was the fun along the way, the flowing of that energy, that was the most fulfilling of all. 

We recently took a mini-vacation.  The funnest parts were planning it in advance, anticipating its arrival and then enjoying the meaningful and fun moments as we experienced our adventures together.  The funnest part wasn’t “getting it done”.  So it wasn’t the destination that brought me the most pleasure, it was the process.

What if, what makes life meaningful are just a series of meaningful moments? 

 

What if, what makes a happy life is just a series of happy moments?

 

What if life has never been about getting there, or getting it done, or hurrying through something as if where you are is not an important step along the way to where you’re going? 

How many times have you wished that something were different than it is now?  How many times do you just want to skip right over what you’re living now, to get to somewhere else?  How many times do you just wish you were somewhere else, doing something else?  What if now is all you’ve got?  What if, the destination isn’t some far-off end result or not-yet-accomplished goal or desire, but rather, the destination is right here, right now?  Because now…is all you’ve got. 

 

I love receiving comments from my readers and hearing how what I write might inspire a memory, spur a thought, crack a smile, grab a chuckle, invite some clarity, entertain, offer some insight, or summon introspection.  So please, whenever you feel inspired, I’d love your comments.

There's Always a Higher Speed Limit

“Wow, I’m older than the number on that sign”, was the thought I had when I drove by a speed limit sign this morning.  The number was 45.  It’s my birthday today, so I guess numbers are higher in my awareness today. Then I thought, “well, there’s always a speed limit with a higher number.”

 I’d like to say that moving through time is irrelevant to me and that I don’t care how old I am, or that I haven’t been affected by what I’ve observed as people age; but I do care and an image has been imprinted.

 I’m now at the age my parents were when I thought they were old.  While I don’t think I’m old in the way that I thought my parents were, and I sorta kinda consider myself young’ish, I also recognize and acknowledge that I’m not 20 something or even 30 something either. 

 So I’m not the 20 or 30 something, I’m the 40 something sliding into the 50 something and what does that mean to me?  I see my reflection in the mirror.  It’s still me looking back at me, but there are subtle changes that seem oh-not-so-subtle to me.  I can’t stop the passage of time, although sometimes I think I’d like to.  Sometimes I think I’d like to freeze-frame everything and keep Franki at this age and myself at this age and hold time still; but I can’t.  Sometimes I want to hold on tightly so that nothing and no one in my life gets older and everything stays the same.  And then I let go…I loosen my grip, I breathe more deeply and I remember that I’ve just had a temporary moment of fear of the unknown.

 When I was about 7 years of age, my 70’ish grandfather came to live with us.  The way I saw him then is how I still remember him most.  I felt somewhat confused and somewhat disgusted at the way he was.  He would drag his feet and pee his pants and make little sense when he spoke.  But he had this sparkle in his eyes every now and then.  I knew for sure I liked that sparkle, and I also knew for sure that I didn’t want to be like him when I got old.

There are things to sift through.  How do I want to define my movement through time?  What do I want my experience to be?  Are there things I consider “inevitable” as I move through time?  Have I, or am I, accepting what I’ve observed in others as my fate just because it appears to be reality?  How do I talk about it and think about it now and are there ways in which I can redefine and change and shift my beliefs and expectations about my personal experience?

 I know that as I continue to move through time, I’ll continue to ask those questions, not accepting some pre-determined definition that I or others have defined, but consciously choosing what I prefer instead, and aligning my beliefs with that.

 I also know that I as I continue to move through time, there’ll always be a speed limit sign with a number higher than my age.  When I get to 99, I’ll go to Canada where the speed limit on the 401 highway is 100 kmh.  ;)

I Get What I Focus on Most

It’s so easy in a day to start focusing on the things that seem to be not going so well.  It’s so easy to focus on something and start wrapping a little story of truth around whatever’s going on, to validate how you feel.  It’s so easy to allow something or someone to train you into a vibration of expectation about them.  It’s so easy to allow the what-isness to train your expectation. 

 I believe that it’s up to us to train ourselves differently.  To choose our focus, our mood, our attitude, rather than let what there is to observe, train our mood and attitude. 

 In a single day, there are so many things about Franki that I could focus on that I could consider as displeasing or unwanted.  She’s certainly doing things I don’t like and she is for sure expressing her independence, and vocalizing responses that I could label as “bold”.  I could focus on something and deem her inappropriate, I’m sure I could.  A little bit here and a little bit there and soon, I’m expecting her to behave in a certain way and every single time, she will; I’ll get what I expect.

But if I did that, it would be like going on Facebook and reading every single post even though I found it unpleasant, depressing, displeasing, or downright dumb.  I don’t do that.  I sift through what I want to read and choose the best-feeling posts.  Although all the posts are there, I have the ability to discern and choose what I’m going to focus on.    

There’s a whole array of things I could choose to focus on about Franki…it’s all there for me to observe.  But why not choose to see those things I love about her…there are plenty of times during the day that she’s cooperative, fun and playful.  She’s funny, smart and clever.  She’s loving and affectionate.  She’s observant and curious about her world.  She’s exuberant about life.  She’s eager about all things around her.  She delights at watching “Lightning the Queen” (Lightning McQueen) every single time she sees the movie, “Cars”…and she’s seen it plenty of times.  She rides her bike back and forth in the house joyfully and then takes it outdoors to explore some more.  Her world and her life is an adventure.  She’s happy, charming and joyful.  In fact, she’s more of all of that than she is what could be labeled as “defiant”, disruptive, or any other behavior of the sort.  But I could focus on what I don’t like, and see more of that too.  My description of her could be very different if I did.  The reason for that though, would be my focus.

Sure!  She has displays of emotion.  Sure! She’s not always happy.  Sure!  She likes to have what she wants.  But why would I allow any of those roles that she explores so temporarily train me into an expectation and see it as a problem or behavior that I must control, any more than would I go on Facebook and read every single thing I don’t like and then complain about it?

So I focus more on what I love about her and I raise my expectation about that.  I focus on how amazing she is as she explores her emotions and I stand in wonderment as she sorts it out. 

My child will reflect to me my expectations about her, every single time.  When there are so many things to love about her, why would I spend any more than a mili-second on anything other than what I love about her?

I Watch and I Learn

I watch my daughter; and I learn.

I learn how to explore my world, and to see things anew.

I watch her joy as she discovers what there is to discover around her; and I learn.

I learn what it is to be joyful.  Really joyful.

I watch as she ventures out into places she’s never been, confidently and with certainty; and I learn.

I learn what it is to be interested.  Really interested.

I watch as she plays her way through each and every day; and I learn.

I learn to be playful.  Really playful.

I watch as she expresses her emotions.  Fully; and I learn.

I learn what it is to feel, allowing myself to fully feel; Really feel.

I watch as she becomes captivated in the moment, oblivious to all else around her; and I learn.

I learn how to become present.  Really present.

I watch as she imagines, blurring lines between realities; and I learn.

I learn that there is no difference. Really no difference.

I watch as she shows me that there is no destination, there’s only a path; and I learn.

I learn that the path is joy.  And I’m on it. 

 

Are You Really That Ornery, Or Is That Just A Habit?

Sometimes, Franki will get this look on her face and she’ll act out as if she’s really mad about something.  She would convince any movie director out there that she’s really mad.  But she’s not.  She’s playing a role; she’s acting it out, but she’s not feeling it; it’s a pretend game to her.

 How often do you pretend to be feeling something you’re not?  How often do you mask how you feel just because you think it’s inappropriate or wrong in some way?  And how often do you just respond as you always do, feeling like you always do, just because it’s what you do; it’s become a habit. 

Your girlfriend doesn’t call you, so you get mad.  You feel disrespected every time your spouse leaves the toilet seat up.  You feel irritated when your kid doesn’t clean up her room.  You feel judged whenever your mom speaks to you in that tone of voice.  You feel misunderstood because your dad still doesn’t understand you.  You feel overwhelmed as the emails in your inbox keep coming.  You feel powerless when you think the government isn’t doing its job the way you think it should.  You feel irritated because your significant other leaves her shoes in your way every single time.  You feel annoyed at the incompetent waiter because your eggs are served over-easy instead of hard-boiled.  It’s Monday, so you feel slightly depressed.  There’s traffic, so you feel vexed.  It’s raining, you feel blah.  You feel irate every time your dog barks at the moon.  You feel jealous when you see dude down the street driving yet another new car.  You feel insecure or inferior when you think she’s got something you want that you perceive you don’t have.  You feel injustice when you think about the cost of things you want to buy.    You feel lack when you spend money.  You feel pissed every time some bloke cuts you off in traffic.  You feel peeved every morning when you arrive at Starbucks for your cup o' joe and there's a long line.  You feel ornery when you think about what needs to get done.  You feel guilty because you’re working instead of being with your kid.  You feel resentment because your mama never loved you.  You hate going to work, because you don’t think you should have to work.  You feel unworthy because you’re not working.  You feel blame when your husband, wife, kid, employee, boss, neighbor, fella on the bus, or lady next to you does something you don’t like.  You feel ornery because you think there should be laws against that.  You feel frustrated every time your computer bungs up and slows down.  You just get downright cranky when your newspaper isn't where you last left it.  You feel all hot and bothered when someone has an opinion about what you're doing. 

Do any of these sound familiar?  Are there subjects, or conditions, or circumstances where you respond habitually? 

 

How many times in a day, a week, a month, a year, do you respond the way you do just because it’s familiar and it’s what you do?  And for how many days, weeks, months or years are you going to just keep doing it because you always have? 

I believe that most of our responses to life are habits; habits of thought, habits of vibration; habits.  We do what’s familiar, we do what we know, and we do what we’ve always done just because that’s what we do.  We don’t stop to feel what we’re feeling in the moment and often don’t entertain the idea that we could respond differently and therefore have different feeling responses. 

Pay attention to your responses over the next few days.  Notice if some of those responses are familiar to you.  Are you quite accustomed to this response and how it feels? Would you like to feel differently, or do you like feeling the way you do as you respond to this person, this thing, this condition?   

You are constantly evolving and nothing need be as it always has been just because that’s the way it’s been.  You can always make a different decision about how you want to feel and how you want to respond; and it begins now.  It begins now with the desire to do so, and it begins now by setting the energy in motion.  You can begin by thinking about how you would prefer to feel in said scenario, and take some time to imagine yourself feeling and being that way.  If you want to feel differently, you can’t keep blundering into the situation as it’s playing itself out and try to feel differently.  That’s usually too late, you’re too caught up in the moment.   Use your mind and connect with how you want to feel now, and pave the way in advance before you get caught up in the momentum of the moment. 

Habits of thought are not hard to break, but there are elements in the equation that assist in forming new habits: 

 

1)  The desire to feel good

2) Focus

3) Paying attention to how you feel

4) Connecting to how you would prefer to feel in advance of the scenario playing itself out

5)Practicing the new habit until it becomes the familiar one

 

We all have habits of feeling as we respond to our lives.  Decide today that you do have a choice and decide whether or not your familiar ways of responding are how you want to continue to respond.  You can find yourself transforming your approach to life by making that decision today. 

Who Do You Be Loyal To?

 

A while back I was highly encouraged to end my relationship with a long-time friend.  The person making the request gave me long lists of why this request was reasonable and that my cessation of the relationship would make life a whole lot easier for them.  While I’m all about helping people out, I’m not about dishonoring myself for the sake of someone else’s feelings or convenience, whoever they are. 

In this case though, I did.  I did something that felt awful and just plain wrong to me, to make someone else happy.  I contacted the person I was ending the relationship with and took full responsibility for my choice, being mindful not to blame anyone, especially the person who had made the original request to cut off all contact. 

 In the process of trying to do the “right” thing for another, I did the wrong thing for myself. 

It bothered me.  It lingered.  Something was off to me. 

There’s nothing I can do to fix what went on between these two people.  There’s nothing about it that has anything to do with me. 

While the socially acceptable response is to do what someone else asks of you if you love and care for them, what happens if you’re not being true to yourself in the process?  Who do you please?  Who do you honor?  Who do you be loyal to? 

 I felt pinned between someone that I care for making a request of me and honoring my relationship with myself. 

 So I considered who I am, what I teach and what I stand for.  What message am I implying to Franki as I do something that opposes the very core of me?  I considered what I would say to Franki if she came to me and someone was making a request of her that she didn’t feel right about.  Would I encourage Franki to do what I did?  No….I wouldn’t.  I would encourage her to follow her own heart, to be true to what her guidance is telling her, to be true to herself and what feels best to her.  I would remind her that others get to make requests of her that seem reasonable and sound to them and others get to choose how they want to feel; and that within that, it’s not her requirement to fulfill any obligation if implied.  Rather, it’s up to her to tune in to what she knows to be true for herself, and then do what feels best to her.  I would tell her that following her own guidance is more important than trying to please another for in acquiescing to other’s requests just to keep the peace or to make them happy, she would not be benefitting anyone.  In the process of doing that, she would be training them away from their own guidance supporting the false belief that others must behave in a certain way so that they can feel good.  That only lays ground for resentment and blame toward the people making the requests, as she did something that didn’t feel right to her.  It’s not her job to sort out how other people feel or how they respond, her only job and her only responsibility is to sort that out for herself. 

In her selfishness, she serves others.  In her selfishness she benefits others.  In her selfishness she stands in her alignment with self and when she’s aligned with self, she stands as a beacon to others.

And so, I followed the guidance that I would share with Franki.  I’m in touch with the person whom I was asked not to be in touch with, not frequently, but in a way that feels true to me.  Not to be disrespectful, and not to be disloyal in any way to the other, but rather, to be loyal to who I am and what feels right to me. 

 

I love people, I don’t reject them.  I stand for personal alignment over pleasing another.  I stand for self-empowerment even if, or even though, it may not be the most popular choice and if I did anything other than that, I would be going against everything I stand for. 

I Believe That Generally Speaking, Parents Have it Backwards

I believe that generally speaking, parents have it backwards. 

I believe that our children don’t belong to us.  We are just a means for their arrival.

I believe that children are here to guide us, and not the other way around.

I believe that we can learn more from our children by observing them than they can from us “teaching” them.

I believe all children are born with their own guidance.

I believe that the less parents interfere with that guidance, the happier the child is.

I believe that most parents interfere and train their children away from their own guidance.

I believe that children know they’re born free and when they feel not-free, they will display some type of “bad” behavior as perceived by those around them.

I believe that all behavior that is labeled as “bad” is simply an outburst of feeling disconnected.

I believe that we all have temper tantrums; the only difference being that children haven’t learned to contain them…just yet.

I believe that children know they’re supposed to have what they want.

I believe that children do their best not to believe the bullshit stories based on false premises that most adults around them offer up.

I believe that children know that life is supposed to be good for them.

I believe that children are born feeling worthy and good and appropriate.

I believe that a child’s sense of worthiness is whittled away as those around them tell them they’re inappropriate. 

I believe that it’s the parent’s responsibility to feel better and not the child’s responsibility to modify his behavior so that the parent can feel better. 

I believe that parents try to exercise control over their children rather than manage their own frequency.

I believe that children are naturally joyful, unless what they observe around them trains them away from that.

I believe that children are born knowing who-they-really-are and they’re here to remind us of who we are.

I believe that children mimick the behavior and the vibration of those around them.

I believe that children establish habits of vibration (habits of thought) early-on in life and as adults we keep regurgitating them as truths.

I believe that children pick up the vibrational habits of those around them and take them on as their own.

I believe that children are not meant to be restrained.

I believe that every choice a child makes on his own is empowering to the child.

I believe that children thrive when parents trust them – trust their judgment; trust their knowing.

I believe that anything a parent can do to encourage the child’s knowing is of benefit.

I believe that when a parent doesn’t trust his child, it sets the child up to prove something. 

I believe that parents are lazy with their focus and expect their children to change their behavior so that they can keep being lazy with their focus.

I believe that if a parent is affected by their child’s behavior, it’s an opportunity to do some self-reflection and not discipline or control the child more. 

I believe that children are repelled by the vibration of worry.

I believe that children will create the contrast they require for their own expansion.

I believe that children know what’s best for them and parents would do well to just mind their our own business.

I believe that children modify their behavior to please their parents.

I believe that children are born knowing all of this, and choose to come forth anyway.

I believe that children know parents have it backwards.