A Nightly Visitor

Just when I thought I was about to sleep all night without interruption from the 3’5” person who runs our household, our bedroom door flyes open at 5:00 am.  For the fifth night in a row, in comes Franki.  She’s already had a good nine hours of sleep, so in her words, “it’s morning time, mommy!  Time to get up”!  Well, it may be morning time, but I’m not ready to get up and neither am I as bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as she is in this moment.  I help her up into our bed and she slips in beside me in spite of her previous announcement that it’s time to get up.  She does her best to be still…well, no, not really.  She squirms about and I feel her toe nails scraping my leg, then ever so gently down my back.  She puts her head on my pillow, then on my head…apparently the pillow isn’t quite as comfortable as my noggin.   She hums, “the wheels on the bus go ‘round and ‘round”.  She rubs her suce (French for soother or pacifier) repeatedly on her nose, then on the back of my head, then proceeds to ask me if I want it.  Afterall, she does have three of them to share.

What I really want right now is to sleep.  What I really want right now is for Franki to settle down, be quiet, lay still and go to sleep.   What I want is for her to stay in her bed rather than crawl into mine at 5:00 am.  What I really want is for her to behave in a way that would be conducive for me to sleep.   What I want is for her to conduct herself in a way that pleases me, so that I can feel good.  I want to express my displeasure in such a way that she’ll understand that I’m not happy with her behavior and she’ll do exactly what I want her to do which is to settle down, be quiet and let me sleep. 

Instead, I realize that it’s my job to align and to feel differently first; before I speak.  What I know is that if I speak to her from that place of feeling irritated and frustrated and holding her responsible for how I feel right now, I’m offering conditional love – needing her to be different and needing what-is to change so that I can feel better.  I’m also aware that as I offer that conditional love, I begin the process of training her to please me and others as opposed to following her own guidance.  The more I do that, she begins to interpret that she’s inappropriate or wrong and therefore needs to adjust to gratify me. 

I take some deep breaths; I align with my dominant intention for her...which is to allow her to be whoever she is; I decide I want to feel better, regardless of what she’s doing and regardless of how little sleep I get.  I focus on her body squirming next to mine; the warmth, the vitality, the well-being.  I feel appreciation that she’s so vibrant and happy.  I feel appreciation that she’s with me; that she likes being next to me; that she offered me her most prized object…her suce.  I feel appreciation for being mom to this most amazing little girl.  I make a decision that I’m just happy that to have her here; sleep or no sleep.  I feel appreciation for myself; for taking the time to feel better rather than uttering words in a moment of displeasure.  I find myself really glad that Franki has decided to join us, squirming or not. 

Because I wanted to feel better and I knew that it was solely my responsibility to do that, I focused myself right into feeling joy for this moment in time; a condition that just a few short minutes ago, I felt irritation about.  Within minutes of me reaching for and finding a better-feeling place, Franki settled down and fell asleep.  It didn’t matter to me…I was just happy to have her beside me.