Please Be Different So That I Can Feel Good...

Generally speaking, relationships are based on a lot of false premises.  One of them goes something like this, “you need to change so that I can feel better”.  Or stated in another way, “you need to behave in a manner that pleases me, so that I can feel good”.  That can also be translated into, “you need to think more like me, you need to like what I like, you need to agree with me, you need to support me, you need to behave in the way that I see fit, you need to see things my way, you need to stop doing that, you need to start doing this, you need to communicate in a way that I think you should, you need to be quiet, you need to never be in a bad mood….So many conditions!  So many people to please and all of them want something different, right? How do you ever figure it all out?  How do you ever remember which one wants what from you?  And when is your husband going to stop doing that thing he does that bothers you so much?!?  Not likely any time soon if you keep focusing on it.  And when is your neighbor going to finally clean up his pig-sty of a yard?  And when is that teacher finally going to recognize how brilliant your child is?  And when are your children or grand-children going to stop playing with those damn I-phones in their hands? And when is your wife finally going to understand your love of football?  There are so many expectations of those around us that we’re in relationship with that are based on the false premise that in order for me to be happy, or in order for me to feel good, you need to change or do something different.  After all, it’s all about pleasing me, isn’t it?  Why shouldn’t you have to change, and why shouldn’t you want to change since you know how happy it will make me?  Why would you be so selfish as to want to do things your way rather than my way?  Why would you be so selfish as to behave in the way you do because you want to, rather than behave in the way that I want you to?  You’re sooooooo selfish.  … I just don’t understand you.    Do you hear yourself in that dialogue?  Do you see how ridiculous it is?  “Don’t please yourself you selfish one, instead, please me….because I’m not selfish”.  I know, we all do it to some degree or another either momentarily before we “come to our senses” or, for a lifetime.  You wish that driver wasn’t being such a jerk and you wish the government would “clean up its act” and you wish your kids would clean up their rooms and you wish your mom would stop pestering you and you wish your dad would engage and you wish your employee would be more responsible and you wish your boss would just drop dead.  The list of conditions is endless and the idea that anyone needs to change before you can feel good is one that is dated.  We’re all selfishly wired to want what we want.  We’re all born knowing that the Universe revolves around us, but along the way, we got socialized; first by our parents who wanted us to behave in particular ways so that they could be pleased and approve of us; then by our teachers and peers and the rest of world around us.  But there’s something off about that whole premise.  If you’re the creator of your reality, isn’t it up to you to feel good regardless of what “those people” are doing around you?  You might be able to control one person in the lot, but you’re not going to be able to control them all.  When you start trying to control anyone, they may for a time be compliant with your demands, but eventually they’ll come to resent you for the control you’re trying to impose upon them.  Expecting someone to please you before you can feel good is conditional love.  You see it everywhere, it’s rampant, and it’s based on the false premise, once again, that someone outside of you needs to change before you can feel good.  It’s not anyone’s responsibility to behave in a way that you want them to.  If you want to feel good, don’t hold your breath waiting for this one to change before you feel good, because you’ll be waiting for that one and that one and that one and then you’re going to think that you need to control all of them, which is next to impossible, not your job, and we already talked about what that’ll get you.  You can decide that you’re the one responsible and the one who gets to take the credit for how you feel.  You don’t have to wait until someone is compliant enough to agree to your demands before you experience improvement in the way you feel.  Holding someone else responsible for how you feel only makes you feel more powerless and more at the hands of others who you think need to change before you feel better.  And what if this person won’t change?  What then?  Are you going to feel mad, resentful, sad, disappointed, annoyed for the rest of your life?  How you feel about anything or anyone is up to you and not conditional upon anything or anyone needing to change before you can feel happy now.  You can decide that you’re going to make your state of joy more important than needing that person to change and you can experience your personal power in creating your reality.