Valentine's Love

Nine years ago today, I came here for the first time to visit my luv.  I drove from Canada, so excited to see where he lived, so excited to be enjoying the weekend with him.  From the moment I laid eyes on this man, I knew we would be together.  If I’d allowed my logic to step in the way of that knowing, I would have stayed in Canada, never even entertaining the possibilities before me and would now be living who-knows-where with who-knows-who.  When Jack and I met at a personal development workshop in Toronto, Canada, I wasn’t looking for someone to love; I wasn’t looking to be loved.  All I know is that when my eyes laid a look-see upon him, something in me clicked like I’d been adjusted by a chiropractor; I felt the sensation of clicking into place, that’s why I compare it to an adjustment. I knew in that instant that we would have a life together.  I didn’t know him any more than I know the person standing next to me in the grocery store, but I knew this as surely as I know that bunnies have ears.  All I could remember about him was that he had two earrings on one side; which side, I had no idea.  I had no recollection of what he looked like.  I knew he was taller than me, and that’s about it.  I remembered his deep, soothing voice and I could feel his essence.  In the coming months the only contact we had with each other were a few emails back and forth and a few phone calls related to coaching.   So it’s not like all I could dream about was his supreme hotness because I couldn’t even remember what he looked like.  There was no “evidence” to support my knowing; no encouragement from Jack; no hooks thrown out so that either one of us could bite; nothing moving us forward in the relationship.  But within me, that knowing pulsed and it didn’t matter to me what things presently looked like.  Then, my mom and I booked a cruise with the coaching group I was involved in (Jack was also part of that group). Jack also booked, but neither one of us knew that either one of us were going until about a week or so before the cruise when Jack emailed me saying he was going on this cruise and wondered if I was going.  I purposely avoided answering his question when I responded because I didn’t want to plan anything out; I wanted and trusted things to unfold in the way that they would.  The whole week I anticipated our meeting….would I recognize him?  Would he know who I was?  When and how would I spot him?  What would it be like to see each other again after five months? 

My mom and I got settled into our rooms and I off I went to stand in a very long line of people to provide the appropriate staff with credit card info for any on-board charges made.  I’d been standing in line for what seemed like forever when I realized I didn’t have the appropriate credit card.  Muttering a few words under my breath, I ran back to my room to get it.  I was a little peeved that I hadn’t noticed sooner and what a pain in the ass it was to have to stand in line again.  I scuttled back in line and started chit-chatting it up with people around me.  I went to chat with one of my fellow coaches up ahead in line (really, I was just trying to butt in) ;) and as we were talking, I heard this voice in the background.  I turned to look, and the lady I was speaking to also looked, and she uttered, “Jack”!  ….. (This is me in my head…. “Well hello there, that’s what you look like….and by the way, can I lick your face”)?!?   There he was, in flesh and bone, standing in my reality, standing in my gaze, this man that I’d dreamnt about since we’d first met; this man that I only recognized by how I felt.  And he was hhhhhhhot!  I ran to him, I may have even tripped over my own feet, nervous and thrilled to be in his presence barely able to contain my excitement.  I hoped the fact that I kept poking him in the ribs to make sure he was really there wouldn’t deter him from thinking I was just the next best thing to peanut butter and jam sandwiches.  I have no idea what I said, or what he said…I was too busy wondering when it would be appropriate for me to lick his face.  For all I know, I babbled and blundered and was barely coherent, but somewhere along the way, we’d decided to meet up to have a chit-chat after we’d done our business with this credit card thing.  So here we were, afterwards, I’m bouncing off my seat like a toddler watching Barney while he’s probably wondering what the heck he’s getting into.  The following week, we played basketball on board the ship, we toured the streets of Mexico, we went spelunking in the caves of Belize, we went boating to a private island and we spent just about every available moment together.  I know…I sort of left my mom out in the cold, but there was just no keeping Jack and I apart from each other.  When the cruise ended, I still didn’t know how or when we’d be together, and I still hadn’t let Jack “in” on what I knew.  I figured I’d break it to him gently, once he came around to know himself.  Nuthin’ like having some chic you’ve just met tell you you’re gonna be together forever.  So, in an effort not to freak him out or to step on his toes of creation, I decided that it was all fine and good enough for me to just keep this little tid-bit of information to myself.   My first visit here was February 14^th, nine years ago.  I visited every weekend after that and stayed for longer when schedules permitted.  Within four months, Jack asked me to move in with him even though he thought I dressed funny and talked Canadian.  There were hiccups along the way…Jack resisted the idea of us being together for various reasons, he even told me he’d never get married and yes, he did tell me that I dressed funny.  He even tried “pushing me away” by suggesting that we shouldn’t see each other anymore.  I was oblivious to it all; as if all along he was telling me he loved me and I was the love of his life.  Anything contradictory to that completely went in one ear and out the other, so sure of what I knew to be true and what I knew would be.  And here we are, nine years later….as I sit watching our daughter playing in a sink full of water and eating a strawberry, shattering my train of thought with, “I want another strawberry mommy”! 

p.s…..Jack did eventually come to know what I knew, and yes, he thinks I’m even better than peanut butter and jam sandwiches  J