It's Cold Outside...Please Put Your Coat On

My kid’s teacher just called from school.  “It’s cold out, and Franki won’t put her coat on.  I’ve tried everything.  I’ve told her that she was just sick and that she doesn’t want to get sick again.  I’ve told her that if she doesn’t put her coat on, she’ll get sick.  I’ve told her all of the other kids have their coat on, so she should put hers on.”

My response to the teacher, “Let her figure it out.  If she decides she’s cold, she’ll put her coat on, unless you tell her she needs to enough that she’ll defiantly not put her coat on because she was doggedly told what to do.”

My child needs to figure things out for herself.  My child knows what to do.  My child knows that she was born with guidance.  My child wants to make her own decisions; no matter what.  My child wants to be in control of her reality.  My child is extremely cooperative.  My child is an extremely joyful child.  My child does not like to be told what to do.  If it’s her idea, she’s good; if it’s not her idea, and she doesn’t like the idea, the more anyone tries to convince her that their way is the right way, or the accepted way, or the appropriate way the less she’s convinced and the more she does the very opposite of what was suggested. 

Don’t we all just want to figure it out for ourselves?  Don’t we feel such pride and sense of empowerment when we’ve come to a conclusion, or made a decision that felt good to us without someone else telling us what to do? 

I know that the teacher wants to be responsible.  I know that the teacher believes she’s doing what’s best for my child.  I know that the teacher is well-meaning.  I know that the teacher is used to having a child do what she says.  I know that she’s of the belief, as many adults are, that the oldest one in the room knows best.  I know that she believes that Franki will get a cold from being outside without a coat on.  I know that she has people to answer to at the school.  I appreciate her calling me for suggestions about how to get my child to do what she wants her to do and what she feels is best for my child. 

While I could have a discussion with Franki when she comes home about the rightness or wrongness of her behavior; while I could suggest that she needs to do what the teacher asks or tells her to do; while I could try to bring home the point that it’s good practice to wear a coat when it’s cold; I could…but I’m not going to do any of that. 

While I want Franki and her teachers to have a harmonic experience, I’m not going to ask Franki to tow the line and do something, anything, that she’s not lined up with doing – no matter who asks her to do it.  I want for her to realize and know that she’s free to choose how she wants to feel.  She can feel and be defiant, or, she can still choose to do or behave as she’s going to, and feel her freedom.  She can also choose to do what’s being requested, and feel free.  She is free, and not everyone around her knows what’s best for her.  They come with their own beliefs and life experiences that have made them draw conclusions.  I prefer if my child draws her own.  She’ll acclimate to some thought forms around her and she’ll adopt premises from others, but what I want her to always come around to, is choosing what feels best to her, regardless of what others may want from her, or may believe or may think they need from her or what they think is best for her. 

I want the teacher and Franki to sort this out, however it plays out.  Franki is the creator of her own reality, and I’m not under any false illusions that it’s my job to handle that for her.  Franki may not be what they’re accustomed to; I know for sure that if they care to, they have much to learn from her – about freedom, about joy, about following their guidance.  She shows me that, more than anyone in my experience, every day.  Does she ruffle feathers because she chooses what she wants above what others want from her or ask of her?  Absolutely!  Am I going to “wrong” her for that and tell her she’s being inappropriate?  Absolutely not.  I want my child to live a good life and to be able to get along in the world, but not at the expense of her guidance. 

Franki will think about this experience.  She’ll sort this out and she’ll decide what she wants to do.  If she’s not pushed into doing something, she’ll willingly decide what’s best for her. 

I know that the world has “consequences” for actions and choices.  I want Franki to choose and experience the results herself.  That way, she feels empowered.  She gets to choose and decide, exercising her freedom to be independent and individual. 

We’re all born knowing this about ourselves.  To what extent are we bending to accommodate and please others for the sake of being accepted or loved or receiving someone else’s approval? 

I’m extremely proud of my little girl…little girl she may be, but also knowing that she creates her own reality and determined to do so, every step along the way.  Whether she wears her coat or not is irrelevant to me; this is a contrasting experience for her where she gets to decide what she’s going to do and how she’s going to respond emotionally. 

 

For that, I’m very happy.