One of those defining moments

Several years ago, I had what some people refer to as a “near death experience”.  I’d been going through a very challenging time personally and had so many questions….about life, about myself, about why I was here.  I felt there was so much more to know, so much more to discover and I was feeling called toward it, yet resisting my true nature to follow it.  I was resisting it because I had my life “set up” so to speak.  I had the husband, the house, the “schtuff”, the money, the successful business, travel; you name it, I had it.  But innately, I knew that my life was not about this.  On the outside, it all looked like “success”, but on the inside, it felt empty and meaningless.  I didn’t know what to do.  If I moved forward and followed my instinct, the life I had lived would be gone forever and the people who I loved and cared about would not understand.  They may even disapprove….so I held it all in.  I did my best to swallow how I felt and did my best to “make myself a better person” by reading anything and everything I could get my hands on about improving who I was, and being better in a relationship, all the while, choking the breath right out of myself.  While I appreciated very much my abundant physical circumstances and the comforts that I enjoyed along with that, I felt dead inside.  So it was from this emotional state that I mostly lived.  Appreciating what I had, while feeling guilty for finding it all meaningless and wanting to discover what my life was about, which possibly (and most likely) would turn life as I knew it rightside down along with anyone associated with it.  I lived like this for a very long time, feeling called, and not going.  Feeling called and not going.  Feeling called and not going.  One night, as I lay in bed before going to sleep, I was doing my list of things I appreciated in my life: my “boys” as I called them (my two dogs at the time), my dear sweet husband, my beautiful surroundings, my toothbrush, my painted toe nails, how pretty the drapes looked this morning as I opened them, the delicious orange I’d eaten that morning, the sunshine on my face, running water, the feel and smell of my body lotion, the smell of my perfume, a closet-full of clothes to choose from….so many things to appreciate.  Along with this, I had this thing that I would say, “I ask that all physical, emotional, and mental illusions be taken from my life”.  I “asked” for this every night, for I deeply wanted clarity.  I intensely wanted answers.  I dozed off to sleep.  I came to some type of consciousness, softly aware of having a body, but did not feel “in” my body.  As detached as I felt from the body that I was observing, I was acutely aware of the heart that was beating so faintly and so slowly; barely keeping the body alive.  I was profoundly aware of the stillness of this body laying face up on the bed, unable to move.  I was keenly aware of breath scarcely moving through my lungs.  Beyond the physical body, I was enormously aware of this engulfing peace, so luxurious, and so delicious, I’d never tasted it before.  I felt “called” toward this very bright light, this opening, and I went toward it.  My complete awareness of every detail finely tuned and amplified.  I silently flowed closer and closer to this “light” (and I say “flowed” because it all just felt like energy); feeling the intensity of extreme joy, complete fulfillment, entirely enveloped in love and well-being.  And in that moment, I knew, surer than I’ve ever been about anything in my life, that I could just let go and peacefully allow my body to stop breathing, my heart to cease beating, and peacefully transition from physical form to non-physical energy.  It was so clear to me that it was a choice, and I could make that choice, and it was okay if I did.  I could stay here, or, I could “go back” and live my life, but either way, the sensations that I was having, the feelings I was experiencing, the sense of peace and love and well-being was available to me if I decided to remain in physical form; it wasn’t something only to be accessed and experienced if I decided to cease the personality I’d come to know as me; the personality known as me could enhance that experience and I could live it fully in my physical body.  That’s when I made the decision, and it was a decision, to “come back”.  I felt the stream of energy as I travelled through time and space, flowing back through this “funnel” as I slowly and gently slipped back into the body, my awareness shifting, easily and gently restoring my bodily functions….my heart beating a little stronger, my breath reaching deeper, feeling the sensations in my limbs again.  I lay there for awhile, unable to move yet, knowing that I had been changed forever.  I couldn’t go back to the way I’d lived; I’d expanded beyond.  I’d travelled to the sweetness of death and made a choice to live instead.  I felt renewed, and for the first time in a very long time, I felt commitment to honoring my true nature.  I still didn’t have all of the answers and I still didn’t know what my next step was going to be, but I felt more loyalty to myself than I’d ever felt in my lifetime.  That was a turning point in my life and one of those defining moments.  I shall always be appreciative of this experience, barely describable with words as the words render it less intense in some ways, but it changed who I was.  Since then, my desire has been to continually trust myself, follow my guidance, and to experience increasing amounts of joy, love and peace, while assisting others in discovering that for themselves.  Shortly after my experience, I discovered “life coaching” and I knew in that moment that this was an avenue for me to do just that.  Once I started taking one small step toward following and trusting myself, my world changed, and it changed quickly and effortlessly because I was no longer resisting my inner voice; I was honoring and listening to it.  Through that experience, I learned to trust myself and to trust my guidance…knowing it will never steer me wrong, and knowing that it is continually leading me to a life full of joy, fulfillment, meaning and depth to the very extent that I will allow it.